still here, damnit
i do exist. my life has been in one of those peek change phases where everything reorders itself. i've been mulling it over. that's why i haven't written; because i was likely to change my mind so many times that this kind of honest blogging might be more destructive than constructive.
i've been thinking a lot about me, and what makes me tick, and what other people think of that.
growing up i had this friend that only ever wanted to be thin and beautiful, have long hair, and go to acting school in New York. She fought her way out of being the chunky afro haired freckly Irish kid and did all of those things. I told her how happy I was for her before she left, when we were about 18. She hadn't remembered ever saying that those were her goals, and when i reminded her she was stunned that she had obtained them all, that she had known what she wanted so young. then she said "all i remember you ever wanting to do was save the world and everyone in it".
it was weird, having someone clue me in to a basic fact about myself before i did. it was like the truth was written in the back of my mind and she had translated it.
i do want to save the world. i am most comfortable when i am helping other people. nothing else that i have ever done feels right. i am uncomfortable thinking of myself first; it makes my skin crawl.
when i was a kid i was always organizing kids for saving earth clubs and talking about the ozone layer and the plight of the manatee. whan i was older my mom started keeping me out of school and having me take care of my sister's kids-sometimes for a week at a time. i criticize her for this, it was hard on my grades and ruined my chance to matriculate directly to a four year college. her apathy to my needs was inexcusable. but the truth is that i was comfortable taking care of people. i needed to, after awhile. when my sisters kids no longer needed my intevention there were always school kids. i've talked people down from suicide and i've held male rape victimes while they cried (never bonded with women for some reason). i never minded a bit because doing that felt right and nothing else did.
i know that reduced to psychobabble this could be construed as a direct result of my abusive and neglectful upbringing, in which i was pushed into a caretaker role and taught that i was unimportant. but the truth is that taking care of people is the only thing i know how to do.
a few years back my mother went out of her way to fracture our family (an issue for another blog). what i remember being the hardest was the knowledge that there wasn't anyone to need me anymore; that i no longer had a purpose. i knew how to take care of everybody else, but i never learned how to take care of msyself, and thats pretty much where i'm at right now.
i've been thinking a lot about me, and what makes me tick, and what other people think of that.
growing up i had this friend that only ever wanted to be thin and beautiful, have long hair, and go to acting school in New York. She fought her way out of being the chunky afro haired freckly Irish kid and did all of those things. I told her how happy I was for her before she left, when we were about 18. She hadn't remembered ever saying that those were her goals, and when i reminded her she was stunned that she had obtained them all, that she had known what she wanted so young. then she said "all i remember you ever wanting to do was save the world and everyone in it".
it was weird, having someone clue me in to a basic fact about myself before i did. it was like the truth was written in the back of my mind and she had translated it.
i do want to save the world. i am most comfortable when i am helping other people. nothing else that i have ever done feels right. i am uncomfortable thinking of myself first; it makes my skin crawl.
when i was a kid i was always organizing kids for saving earth clubs and talking about the ozone layer and the plight of the manatee. whan i was older my mom started keeping me out of school and having me take care of my sister's kids-sometimes for a week at a time. i criticize her for this, it was hard on my grades and ruined my chance to matriculate directly to a four year college. her apathy to my needs was inexcusable. but the truth is that i was comfortable taking care of people. i needed to, after awhile. when my sisters kids no longer needed my intevention there were always school kids. i've talked people down from suicide and i've held male rape victimes while they cried (never bonded with women for some reason). i never minded a bit because doing that felt right and nothing else did.
i know that reduced to psychobabble this could be construed as a direct result of my abusive and neglectful upbringing, in which i was pushed into a caretaker role and taught that i was unimportant. but the truth is that taking care of people is the only thing i know how to do.
a few years back my mother went out of her way to fracture our family (an issue for another blog). what i remember being the hardest was the knowledge that there wasn't anyone to need me anymore; that i no longer had a purpose. i knew how to take care of everybody else, but i never learned how to take care of msyself, and thats pretty much where i'm at right now.
posted by jen at 4:31 AM
1 Comments:
Hi Jen! I have been forced by circumstances to begin learning how to take care of myself. It's a hard thing to figure out how to do, but I am finding that I am really not that helpful to others when I am not caring for myself. I also feel as Brian does in that, it's ok (or at least I want it to be ok) to allow others to care for me and help me.
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