Inner Mayhem
It is probably apparent to people that read this blog that I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. Mostly this is because I'm aiming for a 4.0, and it's that time of semester. But lately I've also been dealing with weird identity issues.
I was abused. I hate saying that. I was beaten. I was told that I wasn't human. I also got pulled out of school to take care of younger children and hence had to take care of my abusers and their offspring in between getting slammed around and told how worthless I was. And I won't say that it had no effect-anyone who has read some of my ealrier blogs would know that to be bs. I've done some SI, I've lapsed into eating disorder, I've learned to hate myself. But I also found redemption in taking care of people and on occaision I've used the survival skills that I learned in that home to take care of others weaker than myself. And my public face was always bold and sassy, even when it was two inches away from the flat of somone's hand. I taught myself to fight ruthlessy because I was always so certain that one day it would be that or die, although even when that day came I didn't have the heart to use what I knew.
Basically I aqcuired a skill set that is really only useful if you are training to be a mercenary or expect to be mugged often. Predictably, life turned out quieter. So I ended up in college, where I have been plugging along trying to tone down the badass vibe to fit in and pretending to be a clean cut all American slightly overaged college girl. There are days when it feels like I am wearing a tight costume. There are days when I am exactly what I pretend to be, and the other thing that I am feels like a tight costume or worse, a figment of my imagination. And the worst part is that the people close to me didn't know me when I was younger and...badder; hence they don't believe that I'm capable of much more than a little light bitching. And the people that did know me then stopped hanging out with me in disgust because I had "lost my edge".
It is a bad balance to have to strike.
Maybe I should take up martial arts. I'm not bad with a handgun either-maybe I could go target shooting. Anything to channel my inner mayhem before it leaks out during term paper time.
I was abused. I hate saying that. I was beaten. I was told that I wasn't human. I also got pulled out of school to take care of younger children and hence had to take care of my abusers and their offspring in between getting slammed around and told how worthless I was. And I won't say that it had no effect-anyone who has read some of my ealrier blogs would know that to be bs. I've done some SI, I've lapsed into eating disorder, I've learned to hate myself. But I also found redemption in taking care of people and on occaision I've used the survival skills that I learned in that home to take care of others weaker than myself. And my public face was always bold and sassy, even when it was two inches away from the flat of somone's hand. I taught myself to fight ruthlessy because I was always so certain that one day it would be that or die, although even when that day came I didn't have the heart to use what I knew.
Basically I aqcuired a skill set that is really only useful if you are training to be a mercenary or expect to be mugged often. Predictably, life turned out quieter. So I ended up in college, where I have been plugging along trying to tone down the badass vibe to fit in and pretending to be a clean cut all American slightly overaged college girl. There are days when it feels like I am wearing a tight costume. There are days when I am exactly what I pretend to be, and the other thing that I am feels like a tight costume or worse, a figment of my imagination. And the worst part is that the people close to me didn't know me when I was younger and...badder; hence they don't believe that I'm capable of much more than a little light bitching. And the people that did know me then stopped hanging out with me in disgust because I had "lost my edge".
It is a bad balance to have to strike.
Maybe I should take up martial arts. I'm not bad with a handgun either-maybe I could go target shooting. Anything to channel my inner mayhem before it leaks out during term paper time.
posted by jen at 1:21 AM
2 Comments:
Best of luck with your studies, Jen. I believe you can keep an awesome GPA. We sound like we have similar family backgrounds. I was also physically abused and kept out of school to take care of people. I later cut classes all the time to avoid my peers. I just 'knew' that they knew I was different: less than, damaged, worthless. Still kept the 4.0 though. I needed to have this area of perfection. It became my 'proof' that I was worthy of existence. Yeah, I needed proof.
I try to keep from looking at school as a means of proving my worth, but it happens anyway.It is kind of a recent development though, I pretty much lived in my head and was a constant slacker until my senior year of high school, so this is a tendency that has developed over the last six years. I let it get out of control and I'm trying to fix that, while simultaneously using that determination to excell in the hopes of going to grad school soon.
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